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How Should I Encourage My Gifted Child?
by Dennis O'Brien
"My husband insists our 9-year-old stop wasting time writing poetry and stories so he can he concentrate on math and science and be an engineer like he is."
Does this sound familiar? Loving, well-educated and well-intending parents pushing children to pursue their goals and fulfill their dreams without giving their children opportunities to discover their own. This is a recipe for disaster.
Parents who do this may be unaware of how counter-productive their interference can be. I saw parents pressure their incredibly gifted son to become a doctor like his mother. He complained and resisted for a while, but ultimately complied and eventually graduated from medical school before he found the courage to drop out of the career path they had chosen for him and pursue his own as a high school science teacher and possibly administrator. Money, years of stress and family conflict were among the prices they all paid for his parents misguided insistence that they knew what was best for their son.
Others rebel earlier, often by failing or dropping out of college.
It’s tragic for a child and a terrible waste for the community when the talents of our most gifted youth are compromised or squandered by parental mistakes like this.
Consider these tips when contemplating how much pressure to put on a child to pursue or excel at something you believe to be important for her future.
- First, back up from your intense involvement long enough to sort out your own motives and put things into perspective, including your own dreams, frustrations and disappointments. Ask yourself some hard questions: Do you have regrets about your own decisions that you are trying to right by micromanaging your child’s career? What vision for your child are you trying to fast-track?
Your 8-year-old daughter may not be really ready to begin driving herself to excel at all things scientific so she can be accepted at Princeton en route to Harvard Medical School so she can eventually specialize in cardiology. That may be your roadmap for her, but is it hers? Should it be? Wouldn't it be healthier—and more productive in the long run—for her to explore her interests, develop her own dreams and pursue them at her own pace?
- Encourage your child to explore his own interests, and offer multiple opportunities to do so. What interests your child? What else might interest him? What can you do to encourage him to discover them?
Enrolling your child in a variety of GRC's Saturday Learning Labs will provide opportunities to explore up to four special interests a year, and GRC's Summer Academies offer opportunities to explore an area of interest in depth over a two-, four-, or six-week period.
- Resolve parental disagreements in favor of your child's best interests. Stand up for your child if your spouse becomes too demanding, and make sure you both speak with one voice. If you disagree about how much to trust your child’s instincts, your child will be even more confused.
- Encourage your child to pursue her passions in as much depth as possible once they have emerged. "Helping your child develop and sustain passionate interests is one of the most important things parents of gifted students can do," said Sally Reis, the principal investigator for the National Research Center on the Gifted and Talented.
"Interests matter, perhaps more than anything else," Reis said. "Research indicates that the ability to have and sustain interests, including interests in several different areas, may be the best predictor of high levels of adult creative productivity."
- Encourage your child to pursue non-academic interests.
A passion for photography, dance, art, music or tinkering with electronics can also help a child develop the character traits that lead to "creative, productive giftedness" (as Reis puts it) and success in life. Some passions lead directly to career choices. Others simply teach a child to plan, to attack a project aggressively, to persist and master a challenging interest for the inherent pleasure it brings them. Traits like these are better predictors of success than test scores or grades.
- Help your child set reasonable goals and develop a practical plan to achieve them. Be careful that he does not set expectations that are too aggressive.
- Follow-up up gently. Make sure your questions convey support and interest, rather than disappointment or impatience. Get a grip on your own emotions if things don't go as well or swiftly as you hope. Help her focus on the process of pursuing her goals in a systematic way rather than grading her achievements to date.
- Offer praise and encouragement, but don't pressure. We all want our children to work hard and accomplish much, but pressure usually backfires. It's important to praise a child's efforts and risk-taking along the way, not the results.
- Allow your child's interests to change. An early interest in animal husbandry need not mean that a child should begin preparing for a career in veterinary medicine. It does mean she has found a motive that will help her develop skills, positive character and learning traits while preparing for the future.
Using these strategies will help you influence, guide and support your child in her quest to explore her interests, pursue her own passions, set her own goals and follow her own dreams to success.
For more information regarding Gifted Resource Council, please call the GRC office at 314-962-5920.
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