How Can I Help My Child Deal With Terror?

How Can I Help My Child Deal With Terror?
by Dennis O'Brien

Parents are concerned about their children’s reaction to the recent terrorist attacks and subsequent threats which have traumatized America and shocked the world. Children, like their parents, are still upset and realize how likely it is that, in one form or another, there may be other attacks.

This tragedy is a major emotional milestone for children, partly because of the extensive exposure to the terror in the media, partly because children realize that many routine aspects of national life were abruptly interrupted and certainly because children realize how greatly it has upset their parents.

Several factors make gifted children more vulnerable to feelings of fear and helplessness than their peers:

Gifted children are typically more sensitive than other children and far more concerned about world issues, justice and others who are in distress.
They also tend to be more emotionally intense than their peers and worry about what they cannot control.
Their greater intelligence gives them access to more information than peers but does not increase their ability to deal with what they learn and imagine.
They are highly attuned to adults, and adults are clearly distressed.

Here are some basic ways parents can help children cope with this and other similar crises:

Begin by sorting out your own reactions.

It is difficult to listen carefully to children express their feelings or project the calmness that gives children confidence if you have not dealt with your own emotions.

Most of us responded with a variety of feelings, and it is important to identify and express each of them. It may be helpful to express your own feelings to a spouse or friends. Keep in mind that talking about the horrific events — including how it would feel to be involved in it — is not the same as expressing your own feelings.

Because children instinctively take their cues from parents, the last thing you want to do is overwhelm your child with your own unexamined emotions.

Expect that an event this horrific has stirred up feelings about other personal events that may have caused feelings of grief, vulnerability, helplessness or anger.

Take a moment to reflect on personal experiences which previously caused you to have similar feelings. To what extent are your current reactions intensified by these personal experiences?

It is perfectly normal for feelings which have been dealt with previously to resurface with surprising potency. Keep in mind that this may also be true for children. The important thing is to acknowledge that this has occurred, deal once again with these personal traumas and move forward.

Identify the feelings you will be most uncomfortable hearing your child express and make special efforts to listen to these.
Encourage your children to voice their thoughts, questions and feelings. Listen quietly and paraphrase what you hear.
Minimize media exposure, including television and the Internet.
Limit the “what if” speculations gifted children are so prone to indulge in.
Encourage critical thinking. By asking clarifying questions and supplying necessary information, parents can help children distinguish between rumors, emotional reactions, expert opinions, facts and misinformation.
Maintain family routines, including meals, recreation and religious activities.
Reassure your children of their personal safety and help them find ways to express their empathy for those whose lives were directly traumatized by the events.
Continue to check on your child, especially on anniversaries (weekly, monthly, annual) of the event or whenever other reminders occur. Hugs and reassurance are always good — after you have listened.
Take care of your own well-being. Talk about your feelings, exercise, rely upon routines and use prayer and self-talk to reassure yourself that you and your loved ones will regain emotional stability.
Don’t be surprised if your own distress continues for a while, as well your child’s, especially if painful personal experiences have been stirred up.

It is normal to lose sleep, develop stomach or head aches, feel lethargic, depressed, unfocused, fragile or personally vulnerable in the aftermath of such a horrific occurrence. If symptoms persist for six weeks, see a counselor.

More than anything, children take their emotional cues from parents, and our words and actions must communicate our confidence that we are safe now, and that we can learn and grow by responding with courage, dignity and empathy for others.

Parents who use this crisis to help their children grow are preparing them to handle many other crises they will face in their lives.

For more information regarding Gifted Resource Council, please call the GRC office at 314-962-5920.