Parents Ask: Should We Communicate With Our Child?

How Should We Communicate With Our Child? by Dennis O'Brien Parents sometimes find it difficult to communicate with a gifted child. "She just doesn't tell me anything," they say. "Or he just gives one word answers, like'yes' or 'no.' This doesn't really tell us anything. Children who communicate like this actually are telling their parents quite a lot. Unfortunately, their parents aren't picking up on it. Children who shut down are telling their parents to back off. A child who won't share meaningfully about what's going on in his life is protecting himself from parents who seem to intrusive, too critical or too vested in their won agenda for the child. Some parents fool themselves into thinking that communication is fine because they talk at length about academic things. But a narrow focus, especially one centered on a child's intellectual prowess, may harm a child by emphasizing the wrong priorities. Here are some tips to help you communicate more effectively with your child. • Keep your long-term goal in mind. Aim to nurture a healthy relationship so that your child can come to you with problems, learn from you and trust the advice and the values that you share. The goal of a conversation should not be to learn all about what happened at school or in the rest of your child's day. Nor should it be to micro-manage your child's academic career or to assure yourself that your child is preparing for the graduate school of your dreams. If you find yourself trying to micro-manage, spend some time with someone objective and try to separate your life from that of your child, your desires from your child's reality. • Give your child space. Children usually want some down time after school. They need a break. The last thing they want to do when they see a parent is to report about their school day, especially with a parent focusing narrowly on academics. Yet all too often parents pounce on their child with the "How did you do today in school?" question. Think about it. Is talking about work the first thing you want to do when you get home in the evening? "Hi, Dad. How well did you do at work today? Did the boss give you an 'A'?" You'd hate this. Give your child the same respect. • Communicate, but don't interrogate. Nothing turns a child off faster than a series of pointed questions about a topic of interest to a parent. Gifted children are sensitive. They read parents extremely well, and if it's clear that you have a specific agenda in mind, your child may shut down. Children are most likely to share if a parent seems interested and relaxed. Usually a good paraphrase of what a child has said will get you more additional information than a question. A good paraphrase communicates your interest and your understanding of what your child said. It invites your child to continue talking. • Use opened-ended questions to encourage conversation. Ask questions that encourage conversation. Think like a reporter. Ask questions that begin with who, what, how, when, and where. Skip the "why?" questions, and avoid questions that can be answered by "yes" or "no." "How was your day?" is always a good opener. Because it is so open-ended, it gives your child freedom to move in many directions. Be sure to follow. Other possible openers are: "What's going on at school?" or "Who did you hang out with at lunch?" or "What did you guys do at recess?" • Encourage often, but be careful about what you show approval for. It's easy to fall into the trap of worshipping at the alter of your child's intelligence. Gifted children are bright, and that's an advantage. But they need a lot of other skills and experiences if they are to be happy and successful in life. When parents give too much attention to a child's intellectual prowess, the child learns to seek approval for that instead of moving on to develop social skills, positive character traits and other abilities. • Share your experiences tactfully. It's okay to talk about your experiences. Your child may be able to learn from them. However, it's not helpful to push your advice on your child. Instead, try to get your child involved in a problem-solving process. • Focus more on social interactions than academics. Gifted children usually need support forming healthy relationships with their peers. Support can range from simply asking, "Who are the classmates with whom you have common interests?" to arranging out-of-school social activities. You might need to blend encouragement with a little coaching about cooperation, topics to talk about at lunch, letting others have some say in choosing activities, or how to say nice things to someone. • Be careful about automatically taking your child's side in conflicts with teachers or friends. Really bright children can alienate others by communicating–in any number of ways–an air of superiority or even a disdain for others who may not be as bright. This can lead to conflicts, and unless your child learns to handle differences and relate to others in a constructive way, he will not develop the social skills necessary for success in life. Getting a good description of who did what and when is always a good start, and it slows down the rush to judgement. As you listen, try to imagine how the other person might feel if your child was doing or saying what he did. Then ask your child how he thinks the other person felt. ASk what he might have done differently had he known how he was affecting the other person. • Communicate your support for your child's efforts to take risks and grow. But don't focus on the results. Gifted kids tend to be too results-oriented, usually because their parents are. This narrows their focus to their areas of academic excellence and constricts their life experiences. Parents need to encourage their gifted child to take risks, experiment and be part of a team. Help them develop resilience and coping skills by participating instead of trying to dominate. Learning to make mistakes is a healthy part of life. So be sure to communicate your acceptance and encouragement when your child tries and fails. For more information regarding Gifted Resource Council, please call 314-962-5920.		GRC Resources Articles Kid Links For Instructors Only! Family Resources