Gifted Resource Council
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How can I help my child deal with feelings about the Virginia Tech massacre?
by Dennis O'Brien

Many parents continue to be concerned about their children's reaction to the recent student massacre at Virginia Tech that has shocked the country and traumatized many. And they should be.

Children, like their parents, are still upset and will likely remain so unless they have help dealing with their emotions. It's important that you check on your child. This tragedy is a major emotional milestone in the lives of children, partly because of the extensive media exposure it commanded, partly because they realize similar incidents of school violence may occur in the future, and certainly because they see how much it has upset their parents.

Several factors make gifted children more vulnerable to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability than their peers.
  • Gifted children are typically more sensitive than other children and far more concerned about doing the right thing, justice, world issues and others who are in distress.

  • They also tend to be more emotionally intense than their peers.

  • Their greater intelligence gives them access to more information than peers, but does not increase their ability to deal with what they know.

  • They are more tuned in to adults and their moods than their peers, and adults are clearly distressed.
Here are some ways parents can help their child cope with this and other similar crises causing feelings of fear, confusion, helplessness or vulnerability:
  • Encourage your child to voice his thoughts, questions and feelings.

  • Minimize media exposure, including television and the internet.

  • Limit the "what if" speculations gifted children are so prone to indulge in.

  • Encourage critical thinking to distinguish rumors and opinions from facts.

  • Maintain family routines, including meals, recreation and religious activities.

  • Reassure your children of their personal safety and help them find ways to express their empathy for those whose lives were directly traumatized by the events.

  • Continue to check on your child, especially on anniversaries (weekly, monthly and annually) of the massacre or when other reminders occur.

  • Make sure your child has identified two responsible adults at school that she could confide in if she knew troubling things about other students or felt threatened herself.

  • Talk about what your child could do in various situations that could be threatening. Parents who want to help children through their fears and confusion should make sure they are dealing effectively with their own emotional reactions to this horrific loss of life and threat to our sense of well-being. It is difficult to listen carefully to children express their feelings or project the calmness that gives children confidence if you have not dealt with your own emotions.
Because children instinctively take their clues from parents, the last thing you want to do is overwhelm your child with your own unexamined emotions.
  • Sort out your own reactions.
Most of us responded with a variety of feelings, and it is important to identify and express each of them. It may be helpful to talk about your own feelings with a spouse or friends. Keep in mind that talking about the horrific events is not the same as expressing your own feelings, especially your concern for your own children and their safety.
  • Expect that an event this horrific has stirred up feelings about other personal events that may have caused feelings of grief, vulnerability, helplessness or anger.
Take a moment to reflect on personal experiences which previously caused you to have similar feelings. To what extent are your current reactions intensified by these personal experiences?

It is perfectly normal for feelings which have been dealt with previously to resurface with surprising potency. Keep in mind that this may also be true for your children. The important thing is to acknowledge that this has occurred, deal once again with these personal traumas, and move forward.
  • Take care of your own well-being.

    Talk about your feelings, exercise, rely upon routines and use prayer and self-talk to reassure yourself that you and your loved ones will regain emotional stability.

  • Don't be surprised if your own distress continues for a while, as well your children's, especially if painful personal experiences have been stirred up.

    It is normal to loose sleep, feel lethargic, depressed, unfocused, fragile or personally vulnerably in the aftermath of such a horrific occurrence.

  • Identify the feelings you will be most uncomfortable hearing your child express.

    More than anything, children take their emotional clues from parents, and our words and actions must communicate our confidence that we are safe now, that we can learn and grow by responding with courage, dignity and empathy for others.
On the positive side, parents who help their children deal well with this crisis help them prepare to handle many other crises they will face in their lives.
For more information regarding Gifted Resource Council, please call the GRC office at 314-962-5920.