GRC Articles: Parents Ask: How Damaging is "Failure" to a Child's Self-Esteem?

How Damaging is "Failure" to a Child's Self-Esteem? by Dennis O’Brien Terribly damaging – if that's how a child interprets situations where she does not excel. And far too often, that’s how gifted kids, with encouragement from their parents, approach life: always expecting to be the best and viewing anything else as "failure." Unfortunately, this is a terribly unrealistic, self-limiting and self-destructive mindset. How many of us can really be the best? The smartest? The funniest? The fastest? And why should we need to be? Well-intending parents who make the mistake of believing their child must always excel raise children afraid to take risks because they fear "failure" as they define it. They incorrectly believe that self-esteem depends on always being right, always knowing and being able to do more than any peer, and often being the center of admiring adult attention. Tragically, these children limit their exposure to life, restrict their chances for developing satisfying relationships or exploring their interests, and end up with a brittle self-esteem resting on the fragile underpinnings of demonstrable intellectual superiority. Fearing "failure" in other venues, they avoid activities that might threaten this self-image, fail to develop the interpersonal skills that would allow them to form nurturing friendships and avoid challenging experiences that could help develop the capacity to cope with life's inevitable adversities. Why is experiencing "failure" so important for gifted children? Because they need to "fail" and learn from it. To be resilient in life, a child needs to learn to try things, to enjoy activities without measuring the results, and to keep participating. Most children experience adversity repeatedly in the normal flow of their lives and, with support from nurturing adults, learn to cope with it. But academic achievement comes so easily to the gifted that they often breeze through school seemingly without effort and certainly without failure. What’s more, they are so accustomed to dominance in their areas of strength that they tend to restrict their participation in other areas where they may not excel. Learning to cope with the frustration of being average broadens their sense of self beyond the constrictions imposed by their intellectual prowess and helps them to understand others who do not have their special talents and to develop a healthy persistence in the face of adversity. Parents who encourage their child to engage in a range of activities in which she probably may not excel actually nurture a well rounded and durable child who is much better equipped to develop fulfilling personal relationships, well prepared to succeed in real life and much more likely to achieve personal and professional fulfillment. These parents understand that success in life depends on more than intellectual ability and that falling short of lofty expectations can be an irreplaceable opportunity for a gifted child to grow more resilient, self-confident and healthy. Here’s what concerned parents can do: Start by assessing your priorities. Are you as aware as you should be of the importance of helping your child grow emotionally and socially? Do you sometimes get too caught up in what your child can learn or accomplish at the expense of her development as a well-rounded person? Next, assess your child's situation. Does your child take risks? How involved is your child with activities where he may not be the best? Does he enjoy them for the fun, challenge and companionship they offer, or does he withdraw, brood or get critical of others? How well does your child interact with peers? What kind of coaching or support does he need from you in order to take more risks or expand his scope of activities and relationships with peers? Arrange for your child to become involved in activities in which she may not be "the best" so that she learns she is OK as a person, valued and valuable for who she is. Be sure to include group activities that teach cooperation with others – and where success is not measured by academic prowess. Team sports provide wonderful opportunities for gifted children to both experience the frustration that most of us feel at being just good enough at something, not great, and to learn about working together with others. In addition to giving your child opportunities to learn to cope with adversity by participating in activities where she may not be the best, activities like these also help your child become more well rounded. Should you force your child to participate? Yes, if you must. Obviously it is better if your child participates in activities that interest her, but sometimes a child who fears "not-being-the best-at-every-thing" must be compelled to participate in activities that are healthy for her. "I want you to try soccer now. If you really don’t like it at the end of the season, you can try swimming, dance or theater." Praise and encourage your child for participating, always keeping the focus on the process of making the effort rather than the results. Enroll your child in GRC's Summer Academies and Saturday Learning Labs where he will be challenged by chronological peers who are his intellectual equals and nurtured by master teachers specially prepared to make it a safe environment for children who may be facing this situation for the first time in their lives. Every year GRC trains its instructors to promote cooperation, not competition, and to focus on the process of learning and discovery, not the product. Talk to your child in advance about what to expect and what you expect from him - to cooperate, to enjoy the experience and to respect the talents of others. When parents set the right priorities, gifted children grow to be healthy, happy and extremely productive people. Parents who make it safe for their gifted children to experience frustration and the "failure" of not being the best, encourage participation in team activities, and nurture the development of friendships are doing the most important things they can to help them develop the healthy self-esteem and interpersonal skills they will need for lasting success. For more information regarding Gifted Resource Council, please call the GRC office at 314-962-5920 or e-mail us at: info@giftedresourcecouncil.org.		GRC Resources Articles Kid Links For Instructors Only! Family Resources